Promising Signs

To write about Zoe's physical pain, and the unfortunate behaviors she has developed because of it, sets in motion a sickening swirl of powerful negative emotions deep in the pit of my stomach so I will not detail them tonight. I would like instead to share what seem like promising signs of her neuropathy at long last being adequately addressed.

It has taken just over a week for Gabapentin (Neurontin) to reach a therapeutic level for Zoe and we believe it is relieving the sharp pangs Zoe has likely been feeling in her feet for the past five months. Up until last week, Zoe would violently scream and flail if she feared that her body would be moved or touched, and to see Zoe walk again was realistically a far off goal indeed. Today, this same child stood at 90 degrees for 20 minutes in her stander wearing orthotics and high top sneakers on both feet. She was able to enjoy munching on some Goldfish crackers and singing with Daddy to Camden before she declared ever so politely that she was, "all done."

Only briefly did I marvel with David in awed silence as we watched our daughter, holding our breath so as not to bring Zoe's attention to the fact that she was doing on her own what we had so desperately wanted for her for months. My joy was quickly and repeatedly robbed by the maddening question, "Why?? Why has it taken this long to address Zoe's disabling pain?? Why does this precious little girl have to pay the price for a doctor's unfortunate oversight and her parents' inability to convince a doctor to implement a pain plan months ago? Imagine all of the psychological and physical trauma we could have avoided!!"

I will never have a satisfactory answer, so tonight, as I try to rid my brother of his own pain while he flinches in his Hospice bed, I picture in my mind Zoe's smiling face, her body strapped in that hideous contraption, and how her accomplishment today portends the return of physical independence and the peace that comes when there is no fear of pain.